Am I at Risk?
I…
Am sometimes afraid of my partner
Avoid certain topics for fear of angering him/her
Feel that I can’t do anything right for him/her
Think I deserve to be hurt or mistreated
Feel emotionally numb or helpless
Does your partner…
Criticize or put you down?
Have a bad or unpredictable temper?
Act jealous and possessive?
Control where you go and who you talk to?
Check up on you constantly through phone or social media?
Keep you from seeing your friends and family?
Limit your access to money, your phone, or the car?
Yell at you or give you the silent treatment?
Treat you in a way that you don’t want your friends or family to see?
Humiliate you or put down your thoughts or accomplishments?
Blame you for their abusive behavior?
Force you to have sex when you don’t want to or in ways that makes you uncomfortable?
Threaten to hurt or kill you or your pets?
Threaten to take your kids away and make you look unstable?
Threaten to suicide if you leave?
Possible Actions
If an emergency, call 911
Call the local 24/7 crisis lines for domestic violence (Anova – 1-800-265-1576 & Atlohsa – 1-800-605-7477)
Connect with the local violence against women emergency shelters (Anova & Atlohsa)
Complete a safety plan – local services can help
Reach out to family and friends who might be able to help with shelter, childcare, transportation and emotional support
Remind yourself that the abuse is not your fault
Be kind to yourself and get involved in activities that you enjoy
Am I at Risk to my family?
Am I at Risk to My Family?
Are you…
Going through a separation or child custody and access dispute?
Unemployed?
Using a lot of alcohol and/or street drugs to cope?
Depressed or have other mental health problems?
Jealous and obsessive about your partner and stalking him/her?
Holding weapons or have access to guns?
Obsessed because your partner has a new boyfriend/girlfriend in their life?
Warning Signs
Jealousy – Do you question your partner’s whereabouts or who she/he talked to? Do you drop by his/her workplace unexpectedly or check cell phone records? Do you ask friends or family to keep an eye on him/her?
Controlling Behaviour – Are you angry when she/he comes home later than you expected? Do you try to control his/her movements? Do you make all the decisions in the house?
Quick Involvement – Did you pressure your partner into moving quickly into a relationship? Do you believe you can’t live without her/him?
Unrealistic Expectations – Do you expect your partner to be the perfect partner, lover, friend? Do you depend on him/her to meet all your needs? Do you blame or punish your partner when they fall short?
Isolation – Do you prevent your partner from spending time with friends or family? Do you demand that you always go places together? Do you take away the car or phone, or prevent her/him from working or going to school?
Blame – Do you often blame your partner for things that don’t go right? Do you accuse her/him of making you angry? Do you see your partner as being responsible for your happiness?
Hypersensitivity – Are you easily insulted or take things personally? Do you believe the world is out to get you? Do you have sudden mood changes – one moment nice and the next angry?
Cruelty to Animals – Have you ever hurt or behaved cruelly towards an animal?
Behaviour to Children – Do you blame your children or have unrealistic expectations for them? Do you ever tease your child until they cry, or punish them excessively? Do you resent the time you spend with them or the amount of attention they get? Have you ever threatened to harm your biological or step children?
Violence as Children – Were you abused as a child? Did you witness violence against your mother?
Pressure with Sex - Do you pressure your partner into rough or violent acts during sex? Are you demanding or do you force your partner to have sex when they don’t want to?
Rigid Gender Roles – Do you expect your partner to serve you or obey you in all things? Do you see your partner as being less than you? Do you make fun of her/him for showing emotion or weakness?
Verbal Abuse – Do you regularly say cruel, hurtful or degrading things to your partner? Do you call him/her stupid, tell them that they can’t manage without you? Do you speak badly of your partner with family or friends? Or are you nice to him/her in public but cruel in private?
Substance Use – Do you regularly drink heavily or use a lot of drugs? Have you ever blamed drugs or alcohol for violent or abusive behaviour?
History of Abuse – Have you hurt, or threatened to hurt, a partner in the past? Do you blame partners for your behaviour?
Damaging Property – Have you ever deliberately broken your partner’s special objects? Do you throw things or break furniture, windows or walls in order to threaten or intimidate your partner?
Use of Force – Have you ever tried to restrain your partner, lashed out at him/her, shouted in their face, or used a weapon to intimidate or threaten her/him? Have you assaulted your partner when she was pregnant? Have you choked your current or ex partners?
If you’ve said yes to some of these questions, then you may have a problem. If you’re ready to make a change then there is help.
In London you can contact Changing Ways (www.changingways.on.ca), an organization that supports men to stop their abusive behaviour in their relationships. In other communities contact your Partner Assault Response program.
If you’ve hurt your children or exposed them to the abuse of their mothers, Caring Dads (www.caringdads.org) is an intervention program that can help dads be better parents.
If you’re concerned about a man in your life who is using violence see below Engaging Men: how to talk to a man who uses violence
Safety Planning
engaging men
Sometimes people around a man who is using violence overlook or minimize his behaviour and only focus on supporting the abused woman. At other times, people may sympathize with the man, which may inadvertently escalate his abuse. Talking to a men who use violence is a critical part of preventing woman abuse, but this needs to be done carefully. Without intervention, abusive behaviour will continue.
A London, Ontario study providing intervention and support to men charged with a domestic violence offence, found that the majority of men participating in the study did not understand the factors that put them at risk of using abuse. By helping men to identify the risk that they posed to their partners (e.g. substance use, isolation, unemployment, mental health issues), as well as helping them navigate the system to get things like housing and work, men were more stable and less likely to hurt their partners.
HOW TO TALK TO A MAN WHO USES VIOLENCE
Choose the right time and place to have a discussion
Approach him when he is calm
Be direct and clear about what you’ve seen
Tell him that his behaviour is his responsibility. Avoid making judgmental comments about him as a person.
Don’t try to force him to change or to seek help
Tell him that you’re concerned for the safety of his partner and children
Never argue with him about his use of abuse. Recognize that confrontational, argumentative approaches may make the situation worse and put her at higher risk
Call the police if the woman’s safety is in jeopardy
IF HE DENIES THE ABUSE
Men who use violence will often minimize the impact and deny that they’ve done anything wrong. They may say that it isn’t that bad or blame the victim for their actions. This type of behaviour deflects his responsibility for his actions.
Keep the conversation focused on your concerns for his family’s safety and well-being and reiterate that abuse is never the answer
Keep the door open for future communication and look for opportunities to help him find support.
Always keep yourself safe. Don’t get in the middle of an assault. Call police in an emergency.
WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSE
You may suspect abuse is happening to a friend, family member or co-worker but don’t know what to do or how to talk about it. You may worry about making the situation worse. By understanding the warning signs and risk factors of woman abuse, you can help. If you recognize some of these warning signs, it may be time to take action.
HE:
Puts her down
Does all the talking and dominates the conversation
Checks up on her all the time, even at work
Tries to suggest he is the victim and acts depressed
Tries to keep her isolated from family and friends
Acts as if he owns her
Lies to make himself look good or exaggerates his good qualities
Acts like he is superior and of more value than others in his home
May be apologetic and makes excuses for his behaviour or becomes aggressive and angry
She is nervous talking when he’s there
She seems to be sick more often and misses work
She tries to cover her bruises
She makes excuses at the last minute about why she can’t meet you or she tries to avoid you on the street
She seems sad, lonely, withdrawn and is afraid
Signs of High Risk
The danger may be greater if he:
Has access to her and her children
Has access to weapons
Has a history of abuse with her or other people
Has threatened to harm or kill her if she leaves him
Threatens to harm her children, her pets or her property
Has threatened to kill himself
Has hit her, choked her
Is going through major life changes (e.g. job, separation, depression)
Is convinced she is seeing someone else
Blames her for ruining his life
Doesn’t seek support
Watches her actions, listens to her telephone conversations, reads her emails and follows her
Has trouble keeping a job
Takes drugs or drinks every day
Has no respect for the law
She has just separated or is planning to leave
She fears for her life and for her children’s safety or she cannot see her risk
Is in a custody battle, or has children from a previous relationship
Is involved in another relationship
Has unexplained injuries
Has no access to a phone
Faces other obstacles (e.g. she does not speak English, is not yet a legal resident of Canada, lives in a remote area)
Has no friends or family
Statistics indicate that women under 25 years of age, women with a disability, Aboriginal women and women living common-law are at higher risk of abuse.
Adapted from Neighbours, Friends & Families – www.neighboursfriendsandfamilies.ca
The Power of Isolation
Isolation is a factor that is always present in situations of woman abuse
As the abuse escalates – the isolation becomes more profound
Behaviours Designed to Interrupt Isolation
Learn to SEE it - recognize the signs of abuse
NAME it – I saw or heard …(just the facts)
CHECK it – Are you ok? Is there anything I can do?
SEE it – NAME it – CHECK it
How Do We Prepare Ourselves?
Start with Heart
You can’t go wrong if you intervene from a place of genuine concern and care…
Hold the Conversation
See it -Name it – Check it
· I saw him sitting outside waiting for you again.
· I’m worried about you. Is there anything I can do?
· I am concerned about you. Your work is suffering, you’re late for meetings and now you are telling me that there is stress at home. What can I do to help?